Utter devastation...

...or, how do you respond when the person you love most in the world says to you 'I so want to live'??

God, the last 36hrs have been HARD. Considering how long I've known my mum's diagnosis and that I always knew what the outcome would be, I am surprised by how upset I was when I heard the result of the CT scan and what it meant. That afternoon was one of the most surreal experiences of my life as the 3 of us sat in the hospital partially discussing incredibly emotional stuff like how we're going to manage her death and partly discussing incredibly practical stuff (like ways of avoiding inheritance tax).

Just when I kept thinking I was holding it together, something else would make me cry -Mum saying 'you two will have to be strong for each other' or Dad saying 'I've been so proud to be your partner'. Or worst of all, that comment above, 'I so want to live'. God, it's horrible sitting right in the middle of a hospital ward with tears pouring down your face.

Mum is so desperate to come home to die, that we're going to have to find a way to make it happen, which scares me because I've seen so many palliative patients in the community end up in crisis. I'm terrified it will reach midnight on a Saturday and she'll be in pain and we won't be able to get hold of anyone to help... Hopefully it won't be like that, district nurses and carers etc to help out and we'll manage but still....am scared. She only really agreed to go to the hospice for the weekend because we haven't yet got services in place, a hospital bed at home etc etc. She's keen to come home on Monday/Tuesday....Very scared and think Dad has underestimated how hard it will be for all of us. But mustn't stop Mum having what she wants because I'm a wuss.

I felt awful calling work and saying I wouldn't be in next week, hugely un-me, have never taken time off. They were sympathetic, of course, who wouldn't be but I still feel bad. I haven't missed a single day of work throughout the whole of the last 16 months when mum was diagnosed, started chemo, dad went into hospital for his op, when M left... I've just kept right on going, but now I really feel I can't leave Dad on his own. Have some supportive friends and Dad and I are trying to look after each other -I make him eat, he tries to stop me crying!!

I have no idea what is around the next corner.