The same page

This is not a pity post, OK? I'm VERY happy with my life. I got back from Mexico three weeks ago and in two weeks time I'm leaving for Amsterdam for the new year. As I write this I'm on the train to join one of my closest friends for a spa break at a luxury spa we love. My job is busy but satisfying. I'm very lucky. 

What I'm thinking about though, is what happens when you are in a relationship with someone who maybe doesn't see life the way you do. Who has a different view of their future. And who makes what compromises?

The wonderful, gorgeous, smart, kind, sexy, funny man who I'm proud to call my boyfriend (did I mention that he's gorgeous?) and I had a semi-argument recently. It wasn't the kind of argument that makes you question if you want to be with them. But it makes you wonder if you're a good person for staying with them. 

I've written before about the fact that I don't think I want kids. That hasn't changed. Indeed as time goes on I want them less and less. I don't need to justify why, but I do think it's interesting that all my friends who are now parents have only ever commented on my photos and posts of late-nights-drinking-cocktails and frequent-holidays-abroad with envy. Anyway, the boy has hinted that he thinks he does want kids. We've briefly discussed our reasons. He understands mine, I don't understand his at all ('to carry on your family line?! What makes you think your family line's so special...') 

I have however told him that IF (big if) I were to consider having kids, I'd want to be married. He seemed to understand my feelings on this. But it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to get married again. Sure, we have both been-there-done-that and it didn't work out, and I totally get the fear of not being lucky a second time around either (I'm afraid I subscribe to the theory that a successful marriage depends partly on the willingness of both parties to work on it, and partly to a good healthy old fashioned dose of luck. If you're one of the lucky ones, good for you. I hope you'll always be wary in case your luck changes). And I don't want it for myself much. But bringing new life into the world without the commitment of marriage? Not for my (hypothetical) children, thanks. 

I want to be a good person. I've told him I understand if he wants to go and find someone to be the mother of his children, if I can't be it. He says no because he loves me too much. Does it make me selfish that I want this more than I want to give him what he really wants? I'm sorry if it does. But I can't do it. Not right now. 

So there we have it. Stalemate, or an insurmountable compromise. Right now, the one thing we both agree on is that we want to be with each other more than we want any hypothetical children or marriage, and I think that's a good starting point right?? Where we go from here only time will tell. 

Spring? Must be that time again...

...yes, that time when I don't bother putting my trainers away properly because they're constantly on my feet. The time when I become OBSESSED with my Runkeeper stats ('second fastest 5-7km run? What do you mean second fastest? Of course I wasn't faster back in summer 2013 when I'd just spent a week trekking on a mountain and then came down with gastroenteritis and lost several kilos...')

So yes, the London 10K is less than 3 weeks away. And naturally I would be eternally grateful for your support. More than that, so would everyone at the wonderful Promise to Amalia team who never, ever stop working to try and improve the lives of children in Sri Lanka -yes, really. Our latest venture is educational sponsorship to enable a child to complete their education when they might not otherwise be able to afford to. We are hopeful that it will make a HUGE difference to some smart kids who just need one chance.

Please click here. You know you want to. Please.

Thank you.

Ah non.

I feel like I need to start each and every blog post with an apology! I actually love writing. You’d be forgiven for not realising that, I don’t make it obvious do I? But I do. It’s just that sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Why aren’t there enough hours in the day?? Oh you know. Trying to manage a very demanding job (three actually), a lovely but time-consuming dad, friends and boyfriend…

Yes, he’s still on the scene. Very much so. And I am happy in a way I thought I never could be. I know I wrote this, but I’m not sure how much I ever believed it at the time. But –yes. I am. It’s different. The relationship is more challenging. I cry over things I NEVER expected to cry about. I laugh at the oddest things with him. It isn’t the ‘movie love’ I thought I had last time. It’s not shiny and glossy, it’s…a bit messy I suppose. But it’s amazing in its own way.

And so last month we went to Paris. And it was heaven. We ate croissants and LOTS of cheese. We went to some amazing museums. We wandered through the Tuileries Jardins. We drank wine at the top of the Tour Montparnasse as we watched the twinkling lights on the Tour Eiffel. He laughed at me photographing and rephotographing to get the perfect Art Deco street scene (that’s it down there. You better admire it).

And then we came home.

I guess if you spend Valentine’s day in the most romantic city in the world people are going to have preconceived notions –although actually, the reason we went that weekend was possibly the most unromantic one there has ever been – I had a free Eurostar ticket because of a previous delay and it needed using before it expired. I know, true love eh?? But despite that, I couldn’t believe how many people made assumptions.

‘How was Paris?’

‘Oh, it was amaaaaazing!’

‘And?’

‘And it was amaaaaaaaazing. What do you mean, and?.....Oh….you mean did he propose? No. NO HE DIDN’T AND I WOULDN’T HAVE WANTED HIM TO.’

And it’s true. Remember what I said above?? I am happy. Finally, at long last. I have been sad for such a long time and now, at last, things seem to be going in the right direction. Why would I want to do anything to change that?

It has been so hard to open up again, to trust again, to make myself vulnerable again. The thing that makes it possible is knowing that if it does all go wrong, I can put my life back to how it was before. It would be hard, but I’ve been through worse and survived. What I don’t want is to make changes that can’t be reversed. Or not without making me feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world, like it did back in 2011. 

He and I, we are on the same page. We have both been burnt and we both don’t want to make those mistakes again. When we see each other, it is a joy. When we say goodbye and go our separate ways, we look forward to next time with anticipation. I don’t understand why other people can’t feel the way we feel, why everyone feels that we have to ‘move on’. Move where?? I don’t want to move anywhere. I like it right where I am.

I daresay the time may come when I feel differently. When I want more, when I’m ready for more. And all I can say is…if and when that time comes, if he’s predictable enough to want to make it official in Paris on Valentine’s day, then he’s not the adorable, baffling, quirky man I think he is.